Theory of Ramadaan

With Ramadaan approaching we bring out a retro post from last year and by Uncle Bhai Gora

Swoosh0018 caught up with UBG During the day yesterday. Roza Boh Laageloh (The fast had him). UBG was struggling. Buy we had an interesting discussion about Ramadaan with our Legend. Obviously he has been around and decided to share with us some of his Highs and Well lows of this blessed monthNow we all know that Ramadaan is a month of sacrifice and even the strong can struggle. fasting from sunrise to sunset is no easy process. But UBG says the atmosphere is unbelievable.

WHEN YOU KNOW ITS RAMADAAN
UBG says YOU JUST KNOW when is Ramadaan. There are so many physical signs. A few of them are in Lenz…ven you see the domestics running around before maghrib namaaz with Aunty Zulekha the neighbours tray, laden with a dossier of savouries…from samoosas to bajyas and there must be a Milk Shake in there. Then you know its Ramadaan in Full Force.Another tell tale sign is when you see Uncles going for the sunset cruise. Now this cruise is a routine cruise that encompasses a route that passes all the bakeries.

When you get to a robot in Lenz and If you driving a smart car..and if you happen to look to your left or right and see a car laden with lities…Just Rev once….And you know its Ramadaan in Lenz.Also if you recall any football game that Egypt play you will notice the stadium is full of Sailors in their sailors uniforms. Now when you pass Select you will see only kurtas and toppies just like sailors on a night out. Then you know its Ramadaan in Lenz.UBG said everybody make big hoo haa dat deh is naked girls in Select and so many girls at Select. But everytime I go I see nothing. It just big rumour from other towns.If dat was de case, everybody vud be throwing money . My vun friend from Pretoria, He member of PAGAD and PACAD…………HE ALWAYS VUNT TO MAKE MONEY…He say UBG if it true that there naked girls at Select…Come ve take table and charge the bast@3ds for LAP DANCES BENCHOT.

Anyvay Saleem member of groups PACAD-PEOPLE AGAINST CUSTOMS AND DUTIES AND PAGAD-PEOPLE AGAINST GABGAAL AND DAMAAL. His business thriving in ERASMIA.Evertime u see him in Ramadaan he has two phones and you just here the word CONTAINER…Not achaar containers you know…Ereh Saleem Bhai.Alvays making money.Saleem Bhai he taught me vun vay to test your wife on first night. He say you must leave kleepah (R100) UNDERNEATH THE PEELOW. If lady takes it or leaves change you musnt marryAy im going off topic here says UBG. He also underlines

THE 30 DAY MUSALEE Story. He goes on to say. There are certain toppies that are called the 30 day Musallis. Dey only come to Mosque for 30 days. Dey stand at the back and want to rule the Masjid. DEY swear da lities. One day one lity say Uncle. “I never see you for fajr. Oh baya beeg s@3t. Uncle went mad.But I agree with UBG. These 30 day toppies ,they act like the Mosque is theres and they only read Taravee, No one else is as pious as them.ow this is a chap that you only see in the masjid 30 days of the year.He comes with a vengeance like he has been training for 335 days of the year.He doesnt read namaaz except Juma.In Ramadaan he surfaces on the 1st nite of taravee.His forte is to handle and bliksim the litys in the back.He acts like a buzrooq that has beeen paben in his salaat for years.He acts like he wakes up and reads fajr.
He even looks at you like you a sinner and you dont belong in the masiet.To conclude he is the litys worst nitemare..

THE AFTER IFTAAR BURP OR BELCH
Uncle Bhai Gora also clearly remembers this phenomina. This is rife after Iftaar. You standing in the 2nd rakaat. There is a guy on the one end of the saf, usually from the subcontinent. Next thing you hear a big belch and you can smell the Samoosa’s and pies and burgee goodigets….Eish….buts its not perfume…its freakin horrible.
And when the man from the subcontinent stands next to you, its even worse. Because after that wretched explosion, he starts making a noise ,like a screeching noise with his toungue and teeth, trying to work the particles up. At that point UBG says you can just elbow him in salaat….and kick him off the saf.Imagine enduring a burper for 20 rakaats and the whole nite.Its torture.These okes dont care.They are uncouthed. They burph and belch with trebble and acoustics that even the Maseet Sound System cant drown. Its horrific.Its like when Bear Grills kills a Skunk. You get to smell what al Mehraan made for Iftaar with the jaffron (saffron).. Its really horric

THE AFTER ESHA MASAI MARA MIGRATION
Now UBG says that this is even more stunning than the MASAI MARA WILDEBEEST AND BUFFALO MIGRATION. He remembers Quwatul in Lenz back in teh day…….When the Esha Namaaz finishes a massive migration takes place. You have to see it. Only litys walking down Woodpecker making their way to Zuberies Cafe where they graze for an hour and play games. Those bastards that got their early lined the games up with 20c for the whole Ramadaan. So only they hogged Wonder Boy and Pinball.

THE RAMADAAN TEMPERS AND FIGHTS
Obviously no food, no nicotene equals recipe for fights. UBG says that road rage is given another meaning in Ramadaan. Theres too many fights. UBG recalls to incidents when he fought. The first was the fan and window incident.This is the most common squabble in Mosques in Ramadaan. One Uncle feels cold, the other feels hot. One ons the fan.After the tenth rakaat he offs it. AY tempers fly…………………..Like just the other night there was a squable in the back of teh Mosque. Two owes were fighting because the Imam read sabi hisma in both Esha and Witr. Person A said “Doesnt he know that we had a rough day and he is pulling us in Esha and Witr.” Person B was walking past and said “Then why you come to Mosque, rather read at home. Lucky UBG was there so he broke the argument

.LASTLY THERE IS GOOLAMS LAW-APPLICABLE TO RAMADAAN
Now what is Goolams LawDefintion: Whn you never had a date for a whole year and you finally have a date with Tasneem. You about to leave and Sumaya phones you and says..I never see you for so long, lets go out. And then Elizabeth Taylor phones you and says UBG Im in SA for teh weekend. Take me for Indian Food to Taj please….Now in Ramadaan its a month of tests and examinations. All the deceptions and temptations present themselves to you on a golden platter. And you have to resist..you Must. Like you will be walking in Fordsburg and youl be quitely trying to resist hunger. A black Limo will pull up next to you asking you for directions. You respond…Areh wah its Aishwarya Raai in Fordsburg. Shel say Excuse me …I heard that there is a place that sells the best Haleem here in Fordsburg.Im alone.Dont you want to come with me and show me where this place is ..Then Abishek is in India…Maybe you and I can have a Candle Lit Haleem.UBG was like…….MARIJGIYA…….Only in Ramadaan..

THE TARAWEEH POLICE

Now dese owes are not worried about de own ibadat but more bout your wHerabouts and ur activities. WHere did u read, WHo is readin. WHo was de imam, WHat Attar tHe imaam Had etc

Anyway UBG Sped off saying “BAAJIE…..IM GOING TO PARK MY CAR NOW..IN PARKING LOT.27th night coming….There vill be no parking then……………………….I rather park from now